Sunday, December 7, 2008

I bet Twain ate some fried ox tail............

Well I officially live in Jacksonville Florida now. That magical land of dreadlocks and intolerance, where every mall is the "hood mall" and all the restaurants seem to be competing for which one can have the most passive-agressively racist name (actual sign a block away from the Navy base: "Ying's Chinee Takee Outee").

If you ever feel the need to make the 15 hour drive from Texas to Florida in a moving truck through the land that time forgot (or more likely, left on a doorstep crying and wrapped in newspaper) called the South, hey how about this, first try chopping off a finger. And if you're still conscious and haven't had enough self-inflicted suffering after that, here's some quick tips to help you on your journey.

1. Don't drink and drive. You'll lose the competition you didn't even know was happening, and it's the semi-finals.

2. Don't be an interracial couple. It just confuses people. Bathroom breaks in Mississippi mostly just brought me and my wife the kinda looks that say "wow, he sure does give his slave girl nice clothes."

3. If you lose your mapquest directions, don't worry. You'll know you're halfway there when the only radio station (FM or AM) that isn't a re-broadcasted church sermon from 1973, is a "classic rock" station that seems to only play "Copperhead Road" on repeat all day long. It's all downhill from there!

As easy as it would be to spend the rest of this post making fun of Alabama, it really is like steppin' into an alternate universe. It's like David Lynch meets Deliverance meets a Bosch painting in some places, and by some places I mean anyplace that isn't a cemetary or a book section, and even those can get kinda..............Left Behind-ish (you decide which one I meant). We stopped in Birmingham to get some gas, and some random 30-year old black dude with an eyepatch a fur coat came up to me and said, "You from Birmingham?"


"................Are you lost?"

I said no, but in retrospect the correct response was probably, "aren't we all?" Just a weird philisophical moment in Alabama, from a guy who I might add seconds later walked off to fill up a 2 gallon gas can and took it into a nearby Waffle House, presumably to light himself on fire like a tibetan monk in the name of some righteous intangible truth in evidence of human freedom, or because he was high on meth.

As a bonus, at the very same gas station this festive christmas ad was on the wall above the pisser:

Nothin' out of the ordinary about that. No sir. Perfectly fine christmas present for loved ones of all ages. Why, I remember as a young kid, I couldn't even sleep on christmas eve I was so damn excited from the smell of deisel fuel coming from under the tree. It was the only thing I asked Santa for in my letters. If I listened close enough...........I could swear I even heard hooves dancing on the rooftop and a sleigh taking off into the night. With "Copperhead Road" playin' in the background.

I'm really not just trying to pick on Alabama here. I mean, it's a weird fuckin' place, but Texas ain't exactly the stuff of Jane Austen novels either. I always love goin' North past Dallas and driving through the great town of Fate, Texas, just to see the big sign on the highway lettin' you know the next exit takes you to "Bass Pro Drive".

Ahh Bass Pro drive..........the lifeline of a bustling metropolis. As Rue Saint Louis en l'Ile is to Paris, so Bass Pro Drive lays in the midst of the cultural hub of the western world, Fate Texas. Where the socialites drink the tallest of tall boys and the sculptures are mullets.

Hey, I also saw this somewhere:

And I don't doubt for a second that it did. But when I woke my son up at 2 in the morning to tell him this hilarious story, I don't think he fully appreciated the sarcasm.

That's about it. Nothing else exciting happened on the road. Nope. Nothing at all EXCEPT THAT SOME BRAVE SOUL FINALLY CAPTURED AND KILLED SASQUATCH!!!!

It's true. Now, you may be the skeptical type. You may be wondering why such a legendary creature, after being wrestled and killed, would be left sitting on top of a Ms. Pacman machine in rural Georgia. Allow me to answer that question with another question. Are you lost?


Colin said...

Even if Adrian was left in a surly state, let it be known that I found that funny.

Kevin said...

R.I.P. Sasquatch. He died doing what he loved. Being a sasquatch.

Hi-Def featuring Lily Fresh said...

HAHA, His face is priceless. I've given my mom that face many times. She always feels the need to wake me up with a random story. A random story that doesn't make any kind of sense early in the morning.

I can't wait to have kids so I can do this too:)

OH yeah, & singing random jolly songs in the morning also gets these familiar glares.

Scarlett said...

LMAO @ "Copperhead Road"

That's what a summer in the mountains of Kentucky sounds like.

Chifro said...

The regency mall is the ghetto mall, followed by the Orange Park mall. The Avenues Mall is the white mall. The St Johns Towns center is for Yuppies.

Sandman said...

@ Chifro

Yeah, we hit up Regency the other day. I counted 3 weave stores, which is impressive and definitely puts it in the same league as the most ghetto malls nationwide, kiosk for airbrushing shirts, so I had to deduct points off the overall score there.

Plus it has a train in the middle. WTF? Mini amusement rides are not hood, fool. But if someone shows me the receipts as proof that cocaine money bought that train, I'll allow it.

Anonymous said...

"Copperhead Road" is great. My sides hurt.

Bohemian Bookworm said...

What is UP with the Takee Outee? There's one right around the corner from me named Hunans Takee Outee...I really was dumbfounded, like are they making fun of themselves or what?

My favorite TX drive is driving up to Jacksonville, TX...oh the sights I have seen.

That is a harsh look your son is giving, lol! He is looking into your soul!