Some of ya'll may or may not know this, maybe you read it in the trade papers or saw the video of us sunbathing on TMZ, but it's true............multi-platinum R&B recording artist Brandy and me have been seeing eachother for a while now. It's been a fun couple of months, we went to Disneyworld, ate spaghetti with no forks, got matching star tattoos on our inner thighs. She ain't really one for tradition, but she shocked even me when she got down on her knees and popped the question last tuesday at Joe's Crab Shack, right underneath all the romantic lights and plastic lobsters wearing tie-dye shirts. It wasn't easy, but I've thought about this a lot and finally came to a decision. If you're reading this Brandy (and I know you are), I think you deserve an explanation, so here's my reasons why I have to say no.........
1. Your parents gave you a dog's name. Those are no in-laws I want over for Thanksgiving.
2. Your eyes are farther apart then your nipples. Anatomically, that does not sit well with me. Many cultures would label you a witch just for that alone.
3. You were single-handedly responsible for "five-head" jokes gettin' played out in the 90's, and now Rhianna is gettin' a free pass!! Unforgivable.
4. You look like Sam Cassell and Lilo from Lilo and Stitch had a baby together. And that upsets me because I don't like thinkin' of the late great Sam Cassell as a pedophile, let alone a toon sex fetishist (don't know which is worse), so I'd rather not wake up to a face that suggests such slanderous things.
5. Two of the actors who played your pretend boyfriends on Moesha have died horrible deaths in real life. Your vagina is obviously cursed, whether it's acting or not, and not cursed in the manageable Erykah Badu "oh no now I gotta wear green skull caps" kinda way.
6. Puttin' peanut butter in your mouth everytime you have to talk would get old really fast.
7. Countess Vaughn would probably show up at some get-togethers, and everyone knows how bad our break-up was. Awwwwwkward.
8. The episode of Moesha where Moesha meets Brandy, the R&B singer, fucked off my whole view of reality, relativity, and causality. And I needed those!!!
9. You named your daughter "Sy'rai". That's one letter away from Syria. You hide it well but you're obviously a one-woman sleeper terrorist cell who has already infiltrated the television, movies, and music industries, and in a post-911 world I just can't support that.
10. Insert whatever alien/praying mantis/doberman jokes are left.
So Brandy, that's why I will not marry you. I hope we can still be friends. And also please note that there were no jokes about you killin' people in car accidents because you were on a cell phone, cuz that would just be in bad taste. But seriously, stop texting me on the highway.